I will be twenty-nine this year and since I can remember I've been super observant. This is something that I've had to grapple with because not only was I observant, I would feel the need to say what I saw. Not in a malicious way but I just thought it was fair game for conversation. Being opinionated is not a bad thing but it comes with lots of responsibility and risks. You can become a villain in a matter of syllables and by the time you've realized how your sharp your comment sounds, it has already assaulted the ear of the innocent.
You must know that it is totally fine to have an opinion, that's why God gave us cognitive ability however what is conceived in the mind might not always be beneficial if it leaves the mind. Some things are better left unsaid and their strength and novelty are based on their containment. If you have to share, make sure your timing and delivery are tactful and you are ready for the repercussions. Because even if you polish whatever you have to say and go over it to make sure there are no possible ways for it to be misinterpreted, you still can't guarantee that it won't offend.
After being put in my place repeatedly by my mom and other loved ones over the years, I've learned. that you can have gems of wisdom to hand off to someone but if you package it wrong they might as well be bricks thrown at someone's heart. You've seen how annoying bad reception can be with cell phone coverage. Ill-received messages and words can be just as bad anywhere else.
Being pregnant, I keep things light, watch a lot of comedies and make effort to literally bite my lips to keep in any loose words. I refrain from saying a lot to avoid the hormonal label. I'm not sure why people think that saying "Oh, you're pregnant so that's why _________" is a fitting thing to say. Everybody is an OB/GYN when you get pregnant. That's good to know because when this water of mine breaks that means I have a lot of capable people that can help me get this baby here safe.
That pregnancy/hormonal comment really negates one's responsibility to be respectful of someone else's feelings and makes them seem as if they don't matter. I'm not saying you have to hold our feelings dear to your heart but don't wipe your feet on them either. I feel like the sensitivity that comes with being pregnant mixed with my opinionated nature could be a recipe for disaster at times so the safest way to communicate is...being direct but making sure my words are few. I even have to trick myself into thinking that I didn't hear certain things before my heart can process it and get in my feelings. Hence why some of my friends won't hear from me until after I deliver. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, I would love to but I'm proactive in preventing offense...so I stay away.
For example, during this pregnancy and even last pregnancy I've been called "fat and greedy". I find this quite odd. When my grandmother passed away in 2007 and I packed on a few visible pounds, no one felt the need to critique my weight gain then but the times that I'm nobly toting more weight for the sake of bringing forth life...people feel the need to state the obvious. Strange.
Okay, I haven't been "skinny" for quite some time now and that's great because I was never a fan of my body type then. I've always preferred myself with a little girth. I didn't want to walk around looking hungry but now I've seemed to have been thrust into "fat and greedy" status. Hmm. Okay. Ironically, I eat less when pregnant so this statement really puzzled me.
I don't purposefully eat less but when I really thought about it, all the things I love to consume are most of the things on the list of foods I can't have while expecting. I try to opt out of those things for more substantial choices and they tend to have more fiber thus making me full longer. In addition to that all I ever really want is juice, I'm always so thirsty and I pee every hour it seems so I don't hold on to that long.
Anyway, who said it was okay for someone to comment on a woman's weight? Even more in depth, who said that it was fitting for a man to call a pregnant woman "fat and greedy"?! Boyyyyyyyyyyyyy. That should've been taught to you right up there with looking both ways before crossing the street because comments like that will get you hit.
I don't need anyone to state the obvious to me because as I've mentioned earlier chances are I've already thought it. If it's something that pertains to me or my body image I'm willing to bet I've thought it three times over and given myself just as many reasons to be insecure about it so I really don't need anyone to help me with that.
After the person proceeded to label me I felt myself getting ready to respond but I showed restraint. Because this person is an elder and highly respected, I wanted to make sure I didn't say anything that would come off as rude even though I would've been justified in saying something snide back.
In attempt to quietly reconcile being offended I thought to myself, now what does a man go through that would make him feel terrible if someone stated the obvious in that moment/phase in his life?
I thought of a few:
1. Preparing to make love and being stopped in his tracks. What if Mr. Casanova thought he was about to get down and dirty and his equipment didn't work. His lady companion says "Ahhh geez, looks like everyone's not on board huh?" A totally natural and common experience that happens from time to time right? Yet, if someone felt the need to comment on it, they would probably be ashamed. Not cool.
2. After a losing a fight. Literally, you win some and you lose some. I've seen men defend their lady's honor and not taking into account the muscle to fat ratio of said opponent, they get their tail whooped. This is a very unfortunate situation, more so than the previous. Every lady wants to feel like her man can defend her so when he falls short in this way, it's a bit scary. What if the lady wasn't as sensitive to her man's failure and was silly enough to say "He was way bigger than you, what were you thinking?!" She know that if the guy didn't attempt to fight on her behalf she would've labeled him a punk but now she doesn't know why he even tried. The nerve. He took that risk for you boo.
3. When a man cries. I personally see nothing wrong with a man that can shed a tear. If you are crying more than me, I might be caught off guard but certain situations would be understood and I wouldn't fault you for that. Losing a loved one, a burst of overwhelming joy during a life event, or even showing vulnerability all alone with someone you trust. It is normal and necessary to get out emotion somehow. I've seen a wife criticize her husband for crying more than her at her mother's funeral. "He's supposed to be comforting me and he won't stop crying". I thought this was a bit insensitive because most guys don't really rock with their mother-in-laws that hard let alone hail them closer than their own mother. This guy was really hurt by the loss and it was genuine. I would've just been in awe that my dude really loved my mom that much and in itself that would've been comforting to me because I wasn't alone in my feelings.
4. A man with a disability or physical short-coming. If someone has an assisted device either crutches, cane, etc. They don't want someone coming up to them saying "looks like you're having a hard time getting around". Uhhhhh, probably so. If they need a device to ASSIST their movement. Men are viewed as strong and want to feel unbreakable, they don't want your pity so this is a direct hit to the core of what they are seen to be. Making such a comment would be extremely irrelevant and downright stupid.
So on behalf of all the other women full of fetus, I'm urging everyone but specifically the men to think before you speak. If someone as opinionated as me can scale back and take the time to review my comments before sharing them, I think anyone can. It would be nice if you could do the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment